Against Hope
by deliciouslychaoticbluebird
Summary: Death, some say, is the end of everything but for Jim Kirk, it just might be a chance of rebirth. This is a story of healing and love. Of embracing the future and dealing with the past. Of letting go and holding on. This is a story about hoping against hope.


**Hi guys. This is my first venture into the fanfiction world so bear with me through any grammer mistakes or ridiculous spellings that may appear in the work. I have tried to make sure there aren't any but you never know. You are welcome to leave any comments. Constructive criticisms are always appreciated. If you find any factual mistakes, feel free inform me.**

 **A shout out to *nniixx* and *Sarcastic.Hufflepuff* for being my sounding rock. They have put up with my ridiculous ideas, tried to fix the hideous mistakes I made and even put up with my whims enough to read this particular chapter mid-lecture. You guys are the Penny to my Simon, Sirius to my James and the Grover to my Percy.**

 ** _Disclaimer: For those who have triggers, this is a warning that this chapter contains mentions of physical abuse, non-consensual rape, starvation, substance abuse and death._**

 **CONTRA SPEM SPERO**

It's summer. Stardate-2246. Winona Kirk stays back at Starbase 7 for the conduct of some essential experiment. As a result, Jim gets stuck at the Iowa farmhouse with his stepfather with no school and no mother to run interference.

He tries his best to remain out of sight, spending most of his time at the creek, the barn, and on rare occasions, the shipyard. The times he has to face Frank, he puts on his best behaviour. He's soft spoken, obedient, and well mannered. It works too, for half of the summer months at least. And then one day Frank loses his job. He comes in rip roaring drunk and Jim knows the minute he sees those bloodshot eyes, he's going to get it tonight. Before, Sam had acted as a shield for him. Knobby-kneed, mild mannered Jim was invisible in the face of his rash, outspoken older brother. Then, one Christmas eve Sam disappears with only the words-

"I'm never coming back"

left behind.

That night, Jim suffers from a black eye, a swollen cheekbone, two bruised ribs and something that feels like a sprained ankle. To complete the routine, he also gets locked in the attic without dinner.

This continues for another two weeks. He tries to be inconspicuous, Frank beats him, Jim begs, Frank beats him some more, Jim crawls back to his room- rinse and repeat. That is until Jim drives Frank's car over the cliff. He figures if behaving well gets him beaten too, he might as well go down flipping the bird. He will show Frank and he will show the world- nothing can tame James T. Kirk, not Frank, not his family, not even the vast unknown space where he was born.

Frank gets rougher after that, it's like he has gotten over whatever little hesitation he had over beating up Jim. The punches come faster and harder. But Jim takes them. And in return Riverside pays for it. Within one single summer, the quiet, intelligent kid turns into a wild rebel. He always has a retort ready and if not, his fist does the job. Jim even makes sure Frank gets his message loud and clear, though that does not end well for him. He feels, for a while, he can deal with anything the world throws at him. He stands at the very edge of the cliff he had driven off a car from and screams -

"BRING IT ON!"

Then Tarsus happens.

ST*

 **Stardate:2246**

There is a man behind him - a guard possibly - trying to hunt him down like a rabbit. Jim's fast, always has been, but he's tired and the only thing that he's had in the last couple of days is a moldy piece of half-eaten bread. He knows the man is going to catch up to him soon and he has a moment of visceral satisfaction that he had hid the stolen things in the hollow, to be collected later when there is no danger of it being taken.

The man's just about 20 feet behind him now and gaining fast. It'd have been easier and less painful to have given up before but he has to try at least. And by God, he *tries*. His lungs burn from the lack of air, the winter temperature making it difficult to breathe in, he's dizzy and his feet are numb from the melted snow.

10 feet.

5 feet.

Jim closes his eyes and tries to brace himself for the impact. But when it does come, a second after his estimate, it still knocks the breath out of him. His heart jumps to his throat, his arm hurts where it is twisted behind his back, his bruised cheek stings from the snow and bile rises in his throat in anticipation of what's to come.

"Thought ya could run, eh kid?", comes a raspy voice in his ear, in a decidedly British accent.

Jim thinks he's heard him somewhere, before everything went to shit, but he's not entirely sure. His arm gets twisted even more, in the absence of an answer.

"Answer me!"

So he does. In a cold, defiant voice he sneers-

"Fuck you."

And then he waits. He waits for the man to make up his mind, he waits to figure out what category he falls in.

The chances of him being a sympathetic, he's-a-poor-hungry-kid have gone out the window a long time ago. Now it's a toss up between a sadist and a perverted sadist. Personally he prefers the former. It's less painful and quicker and he's not all that eager to be naked in -5 degrees.

The hand on his back presses down instead of easing and he knows what kind of a man he's ended up with.

Jim forces himself to relax. The last time, he had been in a particularly defiant mood and he is still paying for it with a sore ass and a bloody back. He can't afford something like that again. More of that means not being able to run at full speed which in turn means hungry mouths for days.

One of the hand digs beneath him to get to his trouser buttons and Jim tries to block it out. He tries to encase his mind from what is coming, fills his mind with what he knows best - advanced mathematics, astrophysics and warpcore mechanics.

1.37…π=e e1e1e1e1e…=1.37… - 2.2222/θ=1.37..

19/θ=1.37… θ/19=.137…

1.37…e -1.37…=2… 12.3456789/9=1.37…

His trousers and underwear are down to his knees, he suddenly realises as his body jerks from the cold, distracting him from the equation. The man digs one knee between his thighs, settling himself more heavily on Jim. His hand drags over his back and upper thighs and Jim swallows the bile rising in his throat. Self disgust and loathing fills him. He knows this isn't right, he knows what is happening would probably get the man prosecuted in a hundred different ways in other planets but this is Tarsus and normal rules stopped applying a long time ago. And anyways this is easier than being beaten black and blue or dying like Ria'ila did, head smashed in just because he decided to steal from the wrong person. The wandering hand creeps towards his butt crack and Jim nearly sobs from the rising panic. This should be old by now, he should be *used to this, he thinks desperately but *no, everytime the stiffening panic closes in, making it hard to breathe.

The hand starts to delve. . .

π-1.37θ=1.37… eee/θ=1.37…

\- (111111)/9=1.37…x10

Just when he thinks it's the usual run of the mill, the hand creeps to his front and the careful dam that he had created on his panic breaks. NO, he thinks. He can deal with it to some extent when the only thing he experiences is pain but not this, not when his own body betrays him. His brain tells him it's not his fault, he can't possibly control this but that makes it even worse. How can he be so depraved to actually find pleasure? He thrashes and buckles, anything to get the man off of him. He thinks that death is better than this, in fact he knows death is better than this but then that would mean he would be leaving a bunch of children unprotected, to be starved and diseased and abused. It is a paradox. It is a battle that he cannot win but has to win because the other option is not viable. He cannot give up. He hasn't had the luxury to give up in a long time. There are no no-win situations in his life simply because there can't be. Because the other outcome would be so, so much worse. And that thought breaks the haze of terror long enough for him to see that his compliance has made the man loosen his one-handed hold on him. Taking advantage of it, he buckles and throws the man off. He scrambles in the snow, knowing that its only a little while before the man regains himself from the momentary confusion. But as it is with hastily made plans, crucial details are often overlooked in the dearth of time. Jim has forgotten that his pants are down to his knees. The edge of his ratty trouser and the snow stings at his bruised knee making him lose a precious second and then it tangles up with his legs making him fall face first in the snow again. By this time, the man has recovered and is on him again like a predator on his food. This time however that man is even more brutal. He pushes Jim's face hard into the snow making him gasp in pain. The hand is back at twisting his arms again. The other digs into his hips hard enough that he feels the trickle of blood. The man straddles one of his thighs and leans down to lick the shell of his ear. He whispers-

"Next time you do this, I'll fuck you and then kill you"

That stills Jim. He doesn't heed to threats easily but this one he can't ignore. He knows that this one threat is the easiest to follow up here and die is the one thing he isn't allowed to do. He goes compliant again and the man carries on. He hears the tell tale sign of a buckle being undone. His butt cheeks are parted again and the weight comes down more heavily on him. The cock presses against the crack of his ass and then pushed inside. It hurts just as much as the first time did if not more. It was already sore before and this one tears a ragged sob from his throat. It doesn't deter him at all though, in fact his enthusiasm increases by half a dose. Jim sets about painstakingly building his barriers again. He forces himself to ignore the pain and the slap of skin against skin. He starts with a new equation, the hardest one, the one that he knows will occupy his mind. . .

0=-(ρu1"u2") dξ/dx- (ρξ"u2") du1/dx1 -d/x2 (ρu1"u2ξ")

d/dx2 (μ/Sc u1" δξ/δx2 ξ"τ1.2 -τ1'j δξ/δxj - μ/Sc δξ/δxj δμ1"/δxj

A particularly hard thrust pulls him out of the equation. He registers the pain in his ass, the pain in his bruised knee, the sticky dried blood on hip, the numbness of his twisted arms and the crick in his neck where the man's other hand has been holding him down. He pushes the physical world out of his brain again and immerses himself just in time to catch the last threads of the fading equation. . .

Φ= 0.369 π/9 qñ1ζ/δu=3.6

(1.45763/θ2) qñ1 ζ/δu - (π2/δμ)ξ" (ρν"ρζñ/M2Ce) δρ'-δζ δρ/δθ

This time its the wetness that drags him out. The man grunts and groans above him and Jim feels liquid drip down his inner thighs, hot against his cold skin. The pressure against his neck and arms increases for a moment as the man slumps down in satisfaction, making Jim choke and gasp in order to take in a proper breath.

"Good boy. Now that wasn't so hard, was it?"

The pressure disappears and Jim thinks he hears the sound of a zip being done and a buckle being tied. Jim curls into himself trying to make himself disappear but clearly he fails. The very next moment a swift kick is delivered to his head that makes him see black for a moment or two. When his vision returns, the man is gone and the snow around his face is steadily turning red.

Jim pushes himself up, does his pants and drags himself towards the place where he hid the food. He could have died today, maybe he will die, given the extensive bruises he now sports. But he knows he won't, simply because he cannot afford to do so. So he does what he has always done. He survives.

ST*

 **Stardate:2247**

Starfleet arrives 2 months 6 days after that, called in by Jim in a fortunate and desperate raid to the Town Hall.

Starfleet arrives 7 days after little Isa dies, screaming and writhing in pain in Jim's bony arms as the fungus ruthlessly attacked one organ after another.

The officers try to be kind and understanding but all Jim sees is pity. He does what is asked of him, answers all the questions that are asked but he's detached. He tries to feel but there's nothing, not even relief. He thinks that Tarsus took it as the final payment for survival. Likewise there is no pain as the two precious kids he's managed to save, two out of eight lives, are taken away to different ships. They are crying out and reaching for him but he doesn't move. Jim just stands and stares until the officers finally ask him to come with them.

Jim returns to Nowhere, Riverside, Iowa. By now the people know to avoid him. They don't know what to make of him. He changes from the victim to the perpetrator to the victim again faster that one can blink. At first Jim appreciates it. He cannot bear to come in contact with normal people and he cannot feel what they expect him to feel.

But then human urges take over. He wants to feel. The hollowness inside him is unbearable. Thick and suffocating. He tries his mother first. He hasn't seen her since she left two months after his return but he thinks she might be able to dig something out of him now, even if it is anger. But she makes excuses, tells him that she has experiments. But Jim knows it's guilt. First it had been guilt over surviving and now it's over not being there.

So he searches for other methods. He gets into a fight at school and feels something, triumph, for the first time in months. He fucks Tina Turner in a barn and that makes him feel pleasure and satisfaction. He also fucks Nate Thomas but doesn't let him fuck Jim back. He doesn't think he'll ever be ready to let go of the control or tamp down the panic that rises at the thought.

But these feelings become too much. As soon as the novelty wears off, they remind him off Tarsus, bringing back memories at a dizzying speed. Jim flails about trying to find the right balance, to be able to feel and not remember.

Then he discovers drugs and alcohol. And it turns out to be exactly what he needs. They magnify the feelings and mute out Tarsus. So he lets himself drown. His life becomes an endless parade of fights, sex, drugs and booze. It occurs to him once or twice that of all the things, he's never even come close to feeling contentment or happiness but then again, he's too far gone to stop by that time.

ST*

 **Stardate:2255**

Jim gets into a fight with three Starfleet cadets. He had had every intention of quietly drinking himself to oblivion and dragging himself home. But then a girl in cadet red turns up beside him and he flirts with her out of habit. He doesn't expect anything out of it but what the heck. No harm done. But then he's interrupted by a rugged giant of a man.

The man rubs Jim in all the wrong ways. He's obviously jealous of the attention Uhura has given him and wants to assert his importance over others. He brings the memories of Tarsus too close to the surface and Jim feels his blood boil. He could have stopped himself but Starfleet has never really had a calming effect on him. So he rolls with it. Throws in punch for punch, gets high on the euphoria.

Until the other two join in from nowhere.

He's been beaten up black and blue but it isn't too bad. For a while he thinks he's had the worse of the day. And then, Admiral Pike walks in, half honour, half courage, all authority. He sits down beside Jim and persuades him to join the one organisation that Jim associates with everything bad in his life. Jim laughs at him. Pike tells him that he could have his own ship in eight years. He dares Jim to do better than his father.

Well, everyone knows what Jim is like with dares.

That night he lies awake, unable to sleep. His thoughts refuse to be organised. The rational part of his brain tells him that he should refuse. Starfleet is a life of danger, a life where you just give and give. But then there's that tiny part of him, the part that suspiciously sounds like the little boy who once dreamed of spaceships and exploring stars, that tells him to take the risk. That that is where his destiny lies. That he's meant for more than this.

So the next day, he's off to San Francisco and just because he likes the look of surprise on Pike's face, he tosses a-

"Four years? I'll do it in three"

ST*

 **Between Stardates:2255-2258**

As it turns out, completing one of the hardest courses in the universe one year ahead of schedule is not at all easy. He does not revert to his usual routine simply because there's no time for it. The occasional drug becomes a thing of the past because the academy does routine drug tests. Booze is demoted to occasional because the pub is a half an hour walk away. Sex too becomes a once in two or three weeks thing because he has too much work to do. And Jim realises that he doesn't need them to function anymore. His brain rarely strays to the darker corners as long as it is kept occupied with astrophysics and advanced mathematics.

He tries the Kobayashi Maru twice. First time was just to see what all the fuss was about. But the loss strikes something deep and dangerous within him. After going to unimaginable extents just to survive, Jim cannot accept that there are "no-win situations" out there. It feels like a kick to the gut, as if he's being told he's overcome every obstacle in his life for nothing.

The second time yields the same results and that makes him desperate. He no longer cares what's right or wrong. He has to win. He decides to cheat. He goes to the extent of sleeping with Gaila to get the access codes. There is a twinge of guilt in his heart for that but then again, for him sex has always been a bargain chip, no different than credits.

He passes the test but the euphoria last for only a few days until he's called before a tribunal to answer for his methods. And suddenly, the vindictive voice in his head, telling him that he has no right to survive, has a face and a name. Commander Spock. A vulcan with surprisingly human eyes.

Spock brings out the brutal, vengeful side of him that has no problem in tearing someone apart with bare hands. He wants to scream at the guy. What does a well born son of an ambassador know what it is like to be in a no-win situation? What does Spock know what its like to survive when survival's impossible? Jim does. His life has been nothing but one no-win situation after another.

ST*

 **Stardate-2258**

Jim sneaks into the Starfleet flagship, jumps off a huge-ass drill to save a man he barely knows, watches a planet get destroyed, gets marooned on a frozen planet, meets an old and future friend, is nearly choked to death by an angry Vulcan (Oh, the irony of it), hijacks said flagship and saves earth.

All in a day's work.

Starfleet rewards him. He's commended and given command of the very ship he had so-called hijacked. They tell him he's his father's son. Jim tries hard not to snort at that. He mostly fails.

This new life Jim gains is probably the closest to happiness he's ever come. Yes, the Satrfleet créme de la créme weren't exactly happy with his rise to intergalactic fame but that was inconsequential out in the vastness of space. Jim has an awesome crew, teeming with some of the greatest minds in the universe, if he does say so himself. And that includes Spock too. Jim considers Spock his friend, there are some things that one can't do without gaining a certain camaraderie. But that camaraderie is one of the most precarious things in the ship. Usually they are professional with each other, working seamlessly as the command pair, other times they are achingly familiar, especially when playing chess, Jim teasing and cracking jokes and Spock raising the 'eyebrow'. But then there are also times when they can't fit together no matter how hard they try. Those times are something every member of the crew abhors. Jim shouts and screams his opinions and Spock tries to out-logic him in a cold voice.

As time passes, however, the railing matches become less and less. They come to know what makes the other person tick and make the necessary adjustments. At times, Jim even gets away with imagining the great friendship they are supposed to share later on in their lives.

All in all, when Jim's lying in his bed, dead into the gamma shift, he sends out a thanks to whoever is listening for making him take Pike's offer. Maybe he'll finally heal, Jim thinks.

ST*

 **Stardate: 2259**

Jim Kirk dies. Jim Kirk dies in the warp core chamber of his beloved ship, separated by a thick glass from the person, he now realises, might have become more than a friend to him one day.


End file.
